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Fighting fair.


A few days ago, I was talking about the countless articles and advice on what to say and what not to say during a fight with someone you really care about. In fact, I googled it and there are over one and a half billion pages talking about this topic.

A lot of the articles (not that I read them all, LOL) focused on hints for having better arguments such as: don't blame the other person, never use "you always" or "you never," don't make comparisons, and don't bring up other incidents. The list goes on.

They say that if you don't fight "fair," it will damage your relationship, and from what I see, it will. But it is hard to remember all of these in the middle of a battle! (That is true, as your pre-frontal cortext goes offline during stress, so even if you knew all these rules, you really wouldn't be able to remember them.)

I have a different idea, something that's maybe foreign: why not just DON'T FIGHT? It sounds crazy and it may sound impossible, but if you look at it through a different lens, you can see that not only is it possible and doable, but it's really preferable and it only takes ONE person.

Look at it this way: during a fight, both people are in a state of stress, each trying to get their own way or make their point. This leads to disconnection. You don't even have a relationship anymore, or at least you don't have a connected, heartfelt, and loving relationship at that moment. The relationship becomes about being right and winning, rather than understanding and connecting.

But, what if just ONE person decided to take a different approach? What if, instead of getting caught up in the heat of the moment, one person decided to take a step back and stop their side of the fight? How to do that is a longer discussion, but what if it was possible? What if you could step back and then step into love and connection before continuing? There could be no fight. It would be one person listening to another who is upset, or hurting, or unhappy, but it wouldn’t be a fight.

I know it is easier said than done, but it's a practice, almost like meditation. When the first desire to blame, argue or protect arises, take the time you need to look inward first. Get to a place of love and peace first before even speaking.



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