I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to write about this week, and somebody online had a post titled “Advice for My 20-Year-Old Self.” I thought that would be fun to write a whole article outlining all the advice that I would give about relationships to my younger self. Wouldn't that be cool?
So, I sat down to think about it, and I really discovered something interesting. I discovered that there's actually no advice that I'd like to give, or more accurately, COULD give to my younger self.
I've learned so many things, especially over the last seven years, but telling them to my 20-year-old self, wouldn’t have helped. I wouldn't have listened.
I know that because the advice was already all around me. I just couldn't see it. I couldn't hear it. I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't ready for it. It's not what I wanted or thought I wanted.
The other thing I looked at is that if I had given myself a certain amount of advice, and I had taken it, I wouldn't be here writing this article about advice right now. I would have had a different path. And I'm super happy with all I've learned to be able to be writing this right now. This means, I guess, that I don't have any desire to change my past. I’m perfectly happy where I am right now, wouldn't change a thing.
However, that doesn't mean I don't have lots of relationship advice. So maybe I should title the article "Relationship advice that I would give to those who want to hear it." Because we are ready to hear different advice at different times in our life. I like to share what I've learned with people who are ready to stop being driven to fix others, to fix the world or even fix themselves, and are ready just to go and become aware with no purpose other than becoming AWARE and LOVING.
So for those looking for that advice, here are my favorites:
1.) Get clarity on what you want in a relationship. Really, really get the clarity. I've seen so many people who are so able to manifest so much in the external environment, which is awesome. But sometimes what's missing is that internal clarity; what is it that you want to bring to your relationships? What's that quality? And by quality, I mean joy, compassion, love, tenderness, etc. What is that quality that you will bring? This exercise leads to really getting clear on what it is you want to bring, not what you want to have.
What is it that you want to bring to the world?
2.) You WILL get your feeling hurt or feel disrespected in even your closest relationships. There is no way this won’t happen if you are truly connected. What I noticed doing research with people about this is that those saying in difficult relationships would bring up an incident of hurt from months, or years, or even decades ago. Those in great relationships would have examples from the last day or week.
What I learned is that that secret isn’t preventing hurt; it's learning how to quickly let go of that hurt.
3.) Learn to be in a “State of Appreciation.” So often, we appreciate only one thing. Let’s say somebody gives us a gift. We say or think, “Wow! This gift is so wonderful! Thank you!” We go very narrow in our appreciation rather than looking at all the things that had to occur.
Here is a way to expand our appreciation. If somebody gave you a gift, let's say a scarf that you love, you can, of course, appreciate that they gave it to you. However, you can expand your appreciation by looking at so many other things, for example: How did that person get to be who they were that they would give you a gift? What's the relationship between you that would create that desire to give a gift? Where did the gift come from? Who made it? How did it get shipped to you? Where did the money come from to buy it? What's the technology that allowed all this to happen? You can really go crazy looking at all the aspects. But looking at everything puts you in a State of Appreciation rather than just being Appreciative.
We can take any appreciation of anything, and if we keep expanding, expanding, expanding that appreciation, we can see the entire universe went into creating it.
4.) Notice that you and the others and the world around you keep evolving. The advice I needed in my 20s is different from the advice that I need now. It's partly because of who I am and how I've changed, but also because of how society has changed and how all my relationships have changed.
When I was 20, we didn't have the internet (hard to believe, huh?). So, I never needed advice on how to date online because there was no online to date on. Right? So everything is constantly evolving. We're constantly evolving. The people around us are constantly evolving. They're not the same people. And the entire world is moving forward at a really rapid rate.
If we're not readjusting in every moment, opening our eyes, and looking at life as though it's brand new, then we are living in the past, and we are using rules and techniques that might not make sense anymore.
Bonus advice: We think others are making us feel bad that others hurt our feelings or others make us feel disrespected.
And while yes, they happen to be the ones that happen to be saying the thing that immediately preceded us not hurt. But it didn't start there. There's something already inside us. Something is creating that environment that's ready to be triggered. It’s like you have a trigger already in you, waiting to be triggered, and all the other person did was kind of bump into it accidentally
I love to offer the idea that anytime you find yourself feeling triggered, it's an amazing opportunity to look inward and see what's going on.
Look for that thought, idea, belief, expectation, or sensation (or all of them) that is really creating the hurt.
Then you can really start to get curious about that thought or that belief. See if it's really true. See if it's always true, 100% true all the time. See if there were times that it severed you, and maybe doesn't anymore. And most of all, make sure your thought isn't arguing with reality.
So this is my "Relationship advice that I would give to those who want to hear it."